Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
