if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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