Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
