Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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