Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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