i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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