Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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