i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
