i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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