I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
