I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
