Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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