dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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