im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
