i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
