"it" just moved
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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