i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
