Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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