You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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