Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
