if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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