You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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