Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dear god my vagina.
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