chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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