We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
