Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
