my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
