Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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