Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
