next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
