No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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