well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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