what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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