my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
