But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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