My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
