when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
