My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just found puke in my bra..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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