I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
