Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
