oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so let's talk penis.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just had sex on a roof
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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