Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
