# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
