"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
