just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
