he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
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his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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