dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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