btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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