i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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