I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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