just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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