Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
