Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
