"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
