I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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