Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
