got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
