well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I smell like Dick and happiness
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