You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
