I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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