a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
