A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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