Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
